This is Bluejacket (Lánjiákè).
English is not my main language so my writing and grammar could be horrendous sometimes, or most of the times, I don't know.
I'd like to be called "Lán"
It's rather irony that I, despite believe that human can not understand each other,
at least if it's about pain, which I considered to be subjective matter.
still, I wish for my voice, my cry. to be heard by someone, by anyone.
yet I am here. somewhere. hopefully waiting for someone to stumble upon this place.
to hear my voice and complete my wish. even if I have no way of knowing.
I should wake up.
I should wake up from this dream.
I should not dream.
I should not have a dream.
I should wake up and face the reality.
I should wake up and face the reality where dream does not exist.
To live in reality, dreaming is not necessary.
And reality is where I should be living in.
I went to Japan.
Coincidentally, about two weeks before I got invited, I was thinking that I want to see a real snow.
That's why I left and run away further from my responsibility. Too bad it catched up soon after.
But it's fine.
My wish came true.
And now I'm empty again.
I am lost.
Oh, hi.
You found me.
There're thorns growing inside my body.
Actually, I think it's something that should've grown outward.
But for some reason, I tried to suppress it.
Probably because I don't want to carelessly hurt anybody.
But if this continues, they'll probably pierce my heart and I'll die.
I don't want to die.
So even if it's going to hurt somebody, I'll have to let my thorns grown.
As it should be.
It's not because I want to hurt anybody so badly.
But no matter how hard we try to be careful, we'll eventually hurt each others, with our every moves.
Stay still and you'll be pierced, move and you'll hurt others.
I'd like to believe that this applied to everyone, but I hope it's not the case.
...
Maybe it's really what I want to believe after all, no matter how nonsensical this sound.
Well, let's just get back to it.
You see. That's because I probably can't be that someone.
Of course, I must've hurted somebody before, I'm not that innocence.
And...
...
Ugh, it's already hard trying to convey my thought using my native language, why do I even try to use English anyway?
...
Anyway.
I'll have to let it grow.
So that I can learn how to live a life.
So that one day, I won't need them anymore.
Once this ends.
I can rest.
Once this ends.
I will go somewhere far, so far away.
Once this ends.
I will be healed.
Once this ends.
Only once this ends.
Please.
Just let it ends already.
The rain stopped.
Only temporary, but it did.
For once, I could see things clearer.
As I look forward, everything was there—
—But me.
I am still here.
I can not see it, I can not see myself.
I can not do it, I can not bring myself to be there.
I can not stand it, I can not stand myself.
Not yet.
Not just yet.
To be forgiven, one must repent of their sins.
...
It's raining again.
I hope I will not drown again this time.